Love
L-O-V-E in four parts
My best friend, Dr. Larry Keene, is a retired sociology professor and minister. We have performed countless weddings together. And, often, he gives a homily during the ceremony about the four components of love. Larry told me that he learned the
Want to know what love is?
Step One: Recognize.
To love someone is to recognize them, and to recognize them is to see them. It means paying attention to them, acknowledging that they are there in your presence and that they are important to you. It also means not to be distracted on electronics when you’re with them, or to ignore them in some unloving way. The worst thing you can do to someone is to make them feel invisible. Perhaps you remember the feeling of being ignored if someone gave you the silent treatment – it takes your existence away. Not seeing someone can destroy them in a personal, hurtful way. Love means letting the other know that you see them for who they are.
Step Two: Accept.
The act of acceptance is taking someone as they are. Allowing them to be who they are without trying to make them over into someone else. Larry and I joke when we perform weddings that sometimes the first thing the bride sees when she comes down is the aisle, then the altar, and then finally her future husband. What a terrible thing for a bride to think: “I’ll alter him.” Accepting is not abetting, advocating, agreeing, aiding, approving, assisting, authenticating, authorizing, backing, complying, concurring, confirming, consenting, cultivating, encouraging, endorsing, furthering, liking, maintaining, permitting, promoting, ratifying, reinforcing, sanctifying, supporting, or sympathizing. Acceptance of someone is saying to them, “You are who you are, and who you are is whom I love.”
Step Three: Understand.
Understanding means having empathy – being able to see the world as the other person sees it. It doesn’t mean agreeing with them, but rather being able to (which starts with being willing to) see the world through their eyes. The end result is that the other person feels they are not alone. They understand that someone else sees the world as they do. This is what we really mean by the word intimacy. It makes us feel connected and experience a sense of oneness.
Step Four: Respond.
Love is an action verb. Certainly love is an emotion and a feeling, but the emotion by itself is not enough. In order to truly be loved, the beloved must know they are loved and be able to receive the love. Love requires that a response be made. That response must be both truthful and kind. A relationship built on lies and deceptions is disturbing and ultimately destructive. Any relationship will be destroyed unless it has truth. Love is an action – respond with love.
Final word: The last word my father told me was “yes.” I can still see his face – gaunt from long stays in hospitals – his eyes soulful, deep. It wasn’t in words that he told me “yes” – he wasn’t able to speak. He communicated with his eyes, by moving his face as we engaged in a slightly frustrating game of charades. I finally decoded a four-word phrase from him. The final thing he ever told me: “The answer is yes.”
Yes. That was it. “The answer is yes.” I never will be certain about the exact question he was responding to, but I know in my heart it was about love.
This week’s #wisdom_biscuit: Be loving: recognize, accept, understand, and respond to others.
With love,
