Mourning Notes

Rabbi Brian’s Notes About Mourning* – Simple Definitions – *

Grief is the final stage of love. It is love with no place left to go.

* – Idiosyncratic – *
Don’t worry about what you think you ought to be doing. Grief is idiosyncratic—it shows up in its own way, on its own schedule, and it doesn’t follow a checklist.

* – Advice from a grief therapist – *
Sit in the pain and discomfort.

* – Mirror neurons – *
Our brains are wired to connect with other people’s brains. (You know this from when you meet someone who is angry and you can _feel_ it.) Consequently, if you spent years living with a person who is now deceased, and you are now alone, your brain is literally going to miss the attunement.

* – Tell – *
We heal in telling the story of our beloved. Either in words to those who will listen and/or in writing as a way to get the memories out of the small space of our heads.

* – Stages – *
The first week is the hardest. It’s like someone is holding a large piece of paper in front of your face—it is all you can see. The first month is the second hardest—do not expect to be “over it”—the paper has moved away from your face, but it is still in the center of your vision. Over time, the paper moves further and further away. The one year anniversary—a date that felt like it never would happen—happens and it feels surreal.

* – Time and Attention – *
Healing takes both time and attention. Both. You can put off the pain, but you cannot not experience it. Deferred pain gains interest.

* – Waves – *
When you are mourning, emotions and memories come in waves. Ocean waves come and leave of their own accord. You cannot control them. Neither can you control the waves of emotions (or memories) when you are mourning. At times, emotions will be overwhelming and take you without warning. You won’t be done until they are done. It’s the same with memories. Memories you didn’t even know you had may arrive, seemingly from nowhere, and, again like waves, you are not in control of them. These waves will come and go according to their own course of time, heavier and harder now, and lighter in the future; but for today, you do not need to be anywhere but where you are.

* – A Law: Comfort In. Dump out. – *
The deceased’s spouse, children, parents, caregiver, etc., are at the epicenter. Friends in the next circle. Acquaintances in the circle outside of that. The rule, according to researchers Silk and Goldman is: “Comfort in. Dump out.” Those closer to the center get to dump their sadness on those further out, and those further out are to comfort those closer in. (At times, people break this rule and someone further out tries to make the person closer to the center take care of them. It doesn’t work out well.)

* – Be – *
Scream! Cry. Wail. Weep. Be sad. Very sad. Your dear one has been taken from you. Pain is in direct proportion to your love. So, scream! Cry. Wail. Weep. Be sad. Honestly sad.

* – Dead Assholes – *
If you had a conflicted relationship with the deceased, the relationship isn’t over—and that can grate a lot of cheese.

* – Not A Blessing – *
While “going peacefully in your sleep” is considered the ideal, note—going peacefully in your sleep is only ideal if you are ready to go and everyone is ready to let go. This hardly ever is the case.

* – Cumulative Bucket – *
You have a bucket of your life’s grief/loss. New grief adds to it and sloshes up some of the previous grief. (Oh, yeah, this bucket never empties.)

* – They don’t seem to notice – *
There is an extra level of pain to see that the world as a whole seems to go on as though the world hasn’t been inextricably changed, which it has.

* – Ooops – *
People will say stupid things to you. Like really stupid and insulting things. In a “can you believe they could say that” kind of way. Email me a list of the stupidest things. This way, when you hear “No one really liked your father anyway,” instead of getting offended, you can think, “Oooh, I’m going to make Rabbi Brian laugh.”

* – Rituals – *
Rituals move us from one place to another; they help our spirits know that what has happened is real, and they help us understand the new identity that we are called into. Many people underestimate the power of rituals. Ripping your clothing, covering mirrors so you don’t see how you look, and many others are good rituals. A ritual I have found helpful is walking around the block—a week after the death, take a walk around the block by yourself or with loved ones. This ritual is ancient and effective.

* – Shower tears – *
Cry in the shower. It’s a great spot to do so.

* – Off autopilot – *
Death knocks us off of auto-pilot and that paradigm shift is often quite jolting leading often to shame, like we have wasted time.

* – A short poem by Reverend Lori Turner-Otte – *
Grief is a dull ache. Ready to spring, tears waiting. Something always gone.

* – New chapter – *
When a major figure in your life dies, you enter a new chapter of your life. It is like starting a new chapter of a book. You don’t know what is going to happen—it’s a new chapter. Some old characters from previous chapters might start acting differently. Some new characters might be introduced. Just as you wouldn’t pretend to know what will happen when a new chapter of a book starts, you oughtn’t expect to understand right now how things will play out with the loss of your loved one.

* – Five years – *
It takes about five years.

* – Decisions – *
Do not make any major life decisions until the death is no longer the biggest focus of your life.

* – Witness lost – *
When our beloved dies, we lose someone with whom we shared memories. We are left holding the bag. We feel alone, abandoned, isolated, emptied, etc.

* – Mind/Body – *
The stress of loss does amazing things to our beings. Your body might react in ways you are not used to: ravenous, no appetite, tremors. You might lose your memory, be unable to follow things with attention, or feel cold.
This is normal (albeit it at times scary). Over time, equilibrium returns. Just not yet.

* – Magic Tears – *
Tears turn strong emotions into salty water. That’s a miracle.

* – Not even once – *
Your beloved will not come back to visit with you. Not even once.

* – Exhaustion – *
It’s tiring. Get rest. And please hydrate.

* – No Jedi – *
You will not be able to handle this gracefully.

* – Done crying – *
Person A: When will I stop crying?
Person B: When you run out of tears.

* – With love – *
Do as much as you can, as well as you can.