-1 • Emotions
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Vignette #1
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to get through them,” the future bride says laughing, bu tearfully.
I’m crafting a bespoke marriage ceremony for her and her partner.
I just detailed some Jewish vow traditions we might or might not use.
“How about personal vows?” I ask and continue, “These are promises you make towards each other. Are you thinking you want to say the same thing or different things?”
And, that’s when she says, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to get through them.”
I ask, “Introvert? Stage fright?”
“No,” she says, “I just don’t think I’ll be able to get through them.”
I tease, “Are you afraid you will die… or lose the power of speech?”
She laughs and specifies, “No, I’m afraid I’m going to cry.”
“And…?… So, you’ll cry?” I respond.
“But, my make-up.”
“Make-up can be reapplied. And, you’ve already gotten the formal photos taken.”
“No, it’s just…”
I cut her off.
“It’s just,” I say halfway between a statement and a question, “You don’t want to cry,”
“Because,” I continue, “if you tear up you might cry, and if you cry, it might quickly snowball into uncontrollable sobs.”
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She is afraid of losing control.
(Who isn’t?)
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Vignette #2
A friend asks, “Rabbi, how are you?”
“I’m pretty sad. It’s ten days before my son starts his first year of college. I’m proud, but really, at this moment, feeling sad.”
“Oh it’s not that bad; he’ll come back. You’ll see.”
My friend did not acknowledge me and my feelings — which makes me invisible.
And, I don’t like feeling un-seen.
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But, I get it.
My friend would rather not see me sad.
So they tried to paint a happy conclusion.
It’s just, it makes me feel invisible.
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Negative Emotions
I get it.
We (people) don’t like to feel icky. (And so we try to avoid negative emotions.)
We don’t like to / want to feel worry, nervousness, unease. (Fear / Anxiety)
We don’t like to / want to feel loss, disappointment, despair. (Sadness / Grief)
We don’t like to / want to feel irritation, resentment, rage. (Anger / Frustration)
We don’t like to / want to feel we caused harm or that we are flawed (Guilt / Shame)
We don’t like to / want to feel lacking what others have (Jealousy / Envy)
We don’t like to / want to feel isolated, excluded (Loneliness / Disconnection)
No one would choose to feel any of these feelings if they didn’t have to.
No one.
And that’s why these so-called negative emotions get stuffed down.
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However, there are consequences.
When we stuff down or try to ignore negative emotions two things happen.
First, the “ick” comes out in other ways. That is, if we don’t process our anger at the right person, at the right time, in the right amount, and for the right reason, our anger will come out at the wrong person, at the wrong time, in the wrong amount, and for the wrong reason.
Moreover, when we keep ourselves from feeling any one emotion, we mute all of the emotions. We can’t just turn down the volume on negative emotions. When we stifle any emotion, we disconnect from all emotions—not just negative ones.
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So, with regard to what to do with “negative” emotions, I advise the words of Robert Frost:
“The best way out is through.”
Get through them.
And, in the sage advice of me:
“The best way through is with love, compassion, and kindness.”
