Four to One with Georgia and Clarence

Beloved reader, a few weeks ago—and again last week—I asked you to compare the responses of two imaginary friends, Georgia and Clarence.

In their first tale, we learned the wisdom of kindness/non-judgment over criticism—making the vow to be more Georgia, less Clarence.

Their second, a dinner scene, showed: we get more of what we want when we show we want it.

And today, our two fictitious characters remind us: people respond to us based on how well we’ve paved our road with praise.

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The same, but different

Let’s pretend you hear Georgia say, “You’re reading this article too quickly.”

And let’s say you hear Clarence say the same thing: “You’re reading this article too quickly!”

Different messengers. Same correction.

But Georgia’s is easier to hear.

Why? Because we remember Georgia cheered us on for going jogging, while Clarence critiqued our shoes, our socks, and our shorts.

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When Emmett was five and Annie three, Jane and I took a parenting class. Picture us—two full-grown adults—sitting in miniature elementary school chairs, learning tools like “broken record,” “physical assist,” and “parent like moss on a rock.”

But the lesson that really stood out was the “four-to-one” rule.

Popularized by Aubrey Daniels in business and parenting circles and by John Gottman in couples therapy, it’s this:

For every correction, aim for at least four neutral-to-positive interactions.

I learned that if I didn’t want my kids to think of me as a constant Clarence—“That’s not the right way to hold your fork,” “Use your inside voice,” “Unload the dishwasher properly”—I knew I’d have to do something.

I knew I would have better results if I were more like Georgia: warm, encouraging, and observant.

Or, at least I could be neutral.

That part—neutral comments—was a challenge at first. And awkward.

I felt silly walking by and casually commenting, “Oh, look, you are drawing.”

But it worked.

I got used to it, and I believe the kids were better able to hear my corrections because I diluted their sting with those neutral-to-positive interactions.

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As a teacher, a parent, and a rabbi, I’ve learned this: the more freely I give compliments, the more gently my corrections land.

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From How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

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Do you give four neutral-to-positive comments for every correction?

To others?

(And, to yourself?)

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You’ve come to the end of this article.

Good job!