Note:

Setting boundaries is like painting a room. Before you actually start painting—which is, relatively, the easy part—there is a lot of prep work. 

Similarly, the first seven steps to setting boundaries are preparation. Boundary setting doesn’t come until step eight.

1. Develop Self-Awareness

Learn to notice your needs, wants, values, and limits.

2. Value Your Stuff 

Acknowledge that your needs, wants, values, and limits are important.

3. Slow Things Down

Practice the deliberate (almost magical) act of creating space between a trigger and a response.

4. Evaluate the Costs

Consider the tangible and intangible costs of setting the boundary, as well as both the tangible and intangible costs of not setting the boundary.

5. Examine Flexibility

Contemplate which parts of your boundary are firm and which bend. For example, “I’d be glad to help you, but I can’t do it right now. How about I come back at 5pm?”

If you think that there is no bending, consider that you might be building rigid (can’t bend), fixed (can’t shift), immovable (can’t be moved) walls.

Today’s needs, wants, values, and limits might not be the same as five years ago.

Boundaries bend, shift, and move. Walls don’t.

6. Re-evaluate

Re-evaluate your needs, wants, values, and limits. (Remember: Sometimes the decision not to set a boundary is the right one.)

7. Prepare for Pushback

The person (or group) you’re setting a boundary with may not applaud your decision. It’s helpful to remind yourself that setting a boundary is not about them. It’s about you and them. And, it’s about you.

8. Communicate the Boundary 

Easier said than done, but still, not such a complicated step.

9. Be Inventive and Negotiate, if Appropriate  

Let new, creative ideas come to mind. It is possible your needs, wants, values, and limits could be satisfied with something not considered before. Negotiate the boundary with kindness and compassion.

10. Celebrate Your Efforts 

Be proud of your decision and your actions. Setting boundaries is hard, and it takes time—every attempt counts as a success!